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Capture Your Grief Day 5: Journal

Capture Your Grief Day 5: Journal

“Writing is a wonderful tool for healing. When you put your pen to paper you may have no idea where you are going or where you will end up and that is the beauty of it. It is your own adventure. Find some time today to write. You can write about whatever is on your heart right now. It gives you the chance to write down anything that you need to release. Some ideas on things to write about are, you could write a letter to your children or maybe a letter to yourselves. You may want to write about what you are feeling in this present moment or maybe you could write about a memory you have of your children. Do you have a poem inside you or a short story that is waiting to come out? Maybe it is just one word, that needs to be written over and over and over. Whatever it is, write as little or as much as you need to. You may want to write in a journal, on a piece of paper, a postcard, a post-it note, a blackboard or a tree in your garden. If you try to write something today and it all seems to go horribly wrong, don’t be disappointed. This is where you are in your journey at this very point in time and sometimes our minds are too clouded to be able to  write. You can always come back to it or skip the day together. There is no pressure to complete this project.”

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Capture Your Grief Day 4: Now

Capture Your Grief Day 4: Now

“Who are you now in this present moment? What are you feeling? Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of your children? How are you different now? Do you love anything about the new you? What do you want to become?
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The me now is braver.  The me now is stronger. The me now tries to live in the moment while still planning for the future. The me now takes adventures, keeps myself healthy, and knows that life is short.  I take hikes for the view even if it’s hard.  I go on adventures and take chances even when I’m scared.  I climb trees, ride bikes, take hikes and live as much as possible, even though there is always a part of me that feels out of the moment.
If the circumstances behind the change of me were different, it would be a good thing.  As it is, I can’t think of it as one.

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Capture Your Grief Day 3: Before

Capture Your Grief Day 3: Before

“Who were you before your children died? Do you miss anything about that person? What did you love about that person? Did you dislike anything? Do you see your life as before and after or do you believe that you have always been changing?

day3beforeThis picture was taken while I was on vacation in August of last year.  I was pregnant at the time, but I didn’t know it.  I did not take a test until I came home from that trip.  And I never expected a positive, as it had been 3 and half years of trying at that point.  In many ways never expecting to get pregnant was easier. I didn’t even test until I was 4 days late  because I simply did not think it would be possible.  I debated picking a goofy picture, since my husband I were and still are.  But I chose this one because of the calm it invokes in me.  I don’t think I have felt so calm since then.  And I miss it.

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Capture Your Grief : Sunrise and Heart

This post is going to deal with loss.  In fact, until the month of November you can expect to see a post dealing with loss every day. If that is upsetting to you, I understand, and hope you will come back and read in November.

October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month.  October 15th is Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.

Over the past year I have had three losses.  One of which happened in the 9 week mark, the other two occurred within days of a positive pregnancy test.  Tomorrow, October 3rd, is the first anniversary of the first loss.

This year I needed to do something to try to heal.  Try to move on.  Miscarriage is such a touchy subject for many, and unfortunately there is quite the taboo in speaking of it.  The result of which is many women, and men, who have nowhere to turn to with their grief.

So, for the next month, I am taking part in Capture Your Grief “Capture Your Grief is a beautifully poignant act of remembrance and awareness.. There are 31 subjects, one for each day in the month of October. You are invited to share a photo that captures your journey with each daily subject that inspires your heart.”  Some days I will post a picture only and some days I will post a picture with a description.

I missed posting yesterday.  Yesterday’s picture subject was to capture the sunrise.

I unfortunately woke up too late for the sunrise yesterday, but I did capture the sky when I woke up. It was overcast, the sun barely peaking through the clouds.  It felt appropriate for the day.  The overall gloominess of the sky fit my mood, my grief perfectly.  But the sun trying to come out fits who I want to be.  I want to break through the clouds and shine through the grief.

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Day two had the subject of a heart, to draw a heart to represent the child/children you lost.

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Samuel, my first loss was due in May of 2014.  We did not have a name for him until it was given to me in a dream by my late grandmother.  It was not a name we had a picked out when we daydreamed about things like that, and the dream felt real enough to me that Samuel will forever be his name.  Our other two losses were so early we never even had the opportunity to daydream.  The due dates for those children were in October of 2014 and March of 2015.

They will forever remain in my heart and forever be a part of me.

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